Every night, I have taken to watching movies from a certain genre to better familiarize myself with the cultures and preferences of the modern day. Recently, I have been specifically viewing movies based on classic literature but set in teenage situations. Films such as “10 Things I Hate About You,” “Whatever it Takes,” “Sydney White” and “Get Over It” all have one thing in common (besides the fact that they are inherently heartwarming, but equally ridiculous) – they are all very loosely based on the creativity and complexity of previous famous works of literature.
This of course, made me think of a wonderful idea: Why not do a teen movie version of the Aeneid?
Oh, come now…who wouldn’t think of Teenage Film as soon as they read dactylic hexameter?
It would be perfect for the setting of one of your modern-day teenage films! Think about it – one man sets out on a quest, meets a girl who is ultimately not for him and then meets his true love. What could be more perfect? Granted, the creator would have to ignore the death, destruction and tragedy inherent in Virgil’s work, but that seems to be the case with many of these teenage films. The trailer practically writes itself!
Black. Cut to shot of a generic college campus. Typical Alma Mater music plays.
BRIAN (VO): Ah, Latium University. Home of the few. The proud. The sexy.
Cut to various women on a college campus who are obviously very attractive by modern standards. Swift cut to the lockers of Carthage High School. Brian, his buddy and comic relief Alex (That’s me!) and his best friend Olivia stand in front of lockers.
BRIAN: And that’s where I’m headed, Liv – right after graduation.
Cut to tables with hearts where students are handing in questionnaires.
BRIAN (VO): Which means this is the last year to get a match using the school’s match-up system. This is the year I finally win over the girl of my dreams…
Quick cut to incredibly sexy blonde bombshell Diana, queen of the Carthaginians.
BRIAN (VO): No matter what.
Cut to studio credits for The Achates Factor. Cut to students taking the match-up test, and then to Brian getting his results. Focus on the unfolded test results.
BRIAN: What? Zero percent compatible? There must be some mistake!
ALEX: Sorry dude, it’s right there.
BRIAN: You’ve got to do me a favor. Just change the results for me! Please!
White with text: “What if the girl you wanted”
OLIVIA: Brian, what are you doing?
BRIAN: I don’t care if it’s meant to be or not – Diana and I are going to be together
White with text: “was the last one you were supposed to be with?”
Cut to various shots of Olivia and Brian together laughing.
OLIVIA (VO): Don’t you ever wonder why you’re not compatible with her? Could you imagine for one second maybe being with the person you’re meant to be with?
End on Brian standing with Olivia looking up in the rain.
White with title and movie logo: Making the Connection.
Fade. White with text: Take the test at theachatesfactor.wordpress.com.
Perfect for one of your teenage films, right? Sacreligious to Virgil’s work, but I should really see if I can market this. See, the test will be called the Pantheon of Love. Brian takes the test and bribes the people in charge to change his results so that he’s 100% compatible with Diana, the social queen of Carthage High, but really, he’s 100% compatible with his best friend, Olivia. As he gets to know Diana, he realizes that they’re on different paths for their lives. Olivia, on the other hand, is going to Latium University with Brian after graduation. After many misunderstandings and mishaps, Brian finally realizes that the love of his life is standing right in front of him. Roll credits.
Seriously, I should see if I can do this “Butchering Adapting classic works for teenage film” for a living. I think I have a knack for it.
Who does the public want as their personal captain in Space, the Final Frontier?
